Ownership

Creating things somehow entangles the narcissistic desire of ownership for me, I noticed.

After settling on a vision yesterday at the hackathon, I set out immediately to accomplish it. And after spending 4 hours of creating this object on my own and with a help of another partner, I immediately had the thirst to pride it as our creation: but I noticed what emanated most strongly was my pride to call the idea and design creation my own. I became reluctant to let other people who wanted to join in later in on the project; I wanted to accomplish all aspects of the project, and the desire to dominate grew. A teammate wanted to do the soldering, but I told him I wanted to do it and he let me. When other people wanted to join in on the project and alter my vision, I became strongly antagonistic and dominating. I felt that I had done so much work and invested so much of my time in it with only the help of another teammate, thus it wasn't right that someone else wants to alter the vision and claim the object as her own, too. I was very, very reluctant to share--and I had made sure the first thing she knew was that this project was designed for our group performance and made sure that she was okay with us claiming it. I didn't even ask for her name or try to get to know her first. My territorial instincts kicked in hard. It was a very odd feeling that just dominated, something strong that I could feel physically inside my body.

Thinking back, I know it serves me little to be this selfish. During the hackathon, I had no desire to really work with other people unless they contributed in helping me achieve my vision. I realized it's a pretty limiting perspective and it's a perspective that sets out to cut the possibilities short. Perhaps I need to develop a coping mechanism and be more present with myself in order to realize when it's happening and go beyond what I'm feeling at present. It was very hard for me to see the other side of the perspective when I felt that way and had all that feeling simmering inside me.

Levels

I'm very very thankful I had the opportunity today to perform at the Impact 2016 Showcase!!! It was a very interesting experience for me; though I felt nauseous before and after my performance, I learned so much from this experience!!

One thing that caught my attention from a video recording I received post-performance was the difference between my perception and the audience's perception of the performance. My imagination of how I must've been portrayed to the audience was short of true, because I was not aware of the special effects the tech crew had thoughtfully put on during my performance (which I'm super, super thankful of!!)

The video effects actually helped me a great deal in building the drama and arch of the song. As you can see, there is a gradual increase in the level of drama; from the gradual close-up of the frame to the inclusion of the left and right camera images on one screen, forming a twice-duplicated moving-image and a triangular showcase of a single performer. The leveling of the video effects set the stage with much more context and helped attract much more attention, I believe.

During the performance, I had thought that I was baring the stage with no video effects at all; after watching the video however, my perception of my performance changed 180 degrees. Really, really huge thanks to the tech crew and for the entire IMPACT staff to create such a magical and impactful experience for me. Really---I cannot express how grateful I am of the entire experience I've had so far. The faculty and staff have been so wonderful and kind and eager to help me grow as an individual and artist; I constantly feel loved and cared for, as I know that the faculty and staff invests so much in me as an IMPACT participant. I really can't say enough of how great my experience is been!!!!!

Painting Clouds

Pink clouds remind me of you. They remind me of that bright day, when you buried me in your warmth for a good 30 seconds before we said goodbye.

Pink clouds remind me of the nights we spent looking out the glass window; you'd talk about how beautiful the sky is right now and I would marvel. I'd reach for my phone anxiously and take a quick picture. I sink in my emotions when I'm with you.

Pink clouds remind me of the Italian white, puffy clouds you'd tell me about. The renaissance painting-clouds, you'd say. They were magical. So low in the sky that it seemed like you could reach effortlessly and grab them.

Pink clouds remind me of her. They remind me of the days you'd sit in the beautiful gardens in Florence and marvel at the closeness of the beautiful clouds, with her. They remind me of how you'd think of her when you look at the clouds with me.

Pink clouds remind me of her, and how much I no longer cared.

Empty Grip

As I walked into my apartment the sense of dread creeps up my throat and grips my gut. It is not a hyperbole or a metaphor, I thought, when people described fear as gut-gripping. It lingers, as I reassure myself there is nothing to keep my heart racing. I keep company on a small screen as I pace around the apartment, ducking and keeping a sharp eye on everything. Not a second do I let myself trust my judgment. I look and look, but fear lingers.

It lingers and grips on tight.

It wouldn't let loose.

It grips.